Pennis, anyone? The Goofa Sutra of Tennis

Tennis is a game that some people take far too seriously. It's not as bad as golf, but there are the lessons, the outfits, the pros and the increasingly expensive equipment. And all that quiet and white clothing, the Queen's head bobbing back and forth. Then there's tennis players at local clubs - milfs in their mini-skirts to tempt the pros and the angry middle-aged men smashing their rackets and cursing everything in sight for their poor performance, and progressive impotence.

Hence, the creation of "Pennis" (Penny-Tennis), the objects of which are to break in chew toys, get caught up with dear friends and volley as long as possible. As a branch on the Goofa Sutra, Pennis leads down the path of enlightenment through goofiness - while playing a game that, at a distance, appears to be tennis.

Fundamentals of Pennis

Played on side-by-side courts, the ideal Pennis courts are fenced-in, isolated and slightly dilapidated as to ensure minimal disruption to "tennis" players. The game generally starts out with a forehand lob over the net, the friend stammering "I got it, I got it, I got it," as she backs right into the fence. Other patented moves include the "spin around with the racket out while the ball whizzes by"; the " jump up in the air and close your eyes as you swing", and the cornerstone of any good game of Pennis - the "duck and cover your face as the ball is coming really fast".

An evolving sport, Pennis has incorporated elements from other sports including:

Racquetball:

Pennis courts are essentially giant, open air back-to-back racquet ball courts.

Baseball:

• Home runs (when the ball goes over the fence),
• Grand slams (when the ball goes over the fence and gets stuck in a tree or on a roof or something)
• Strike outs (when your friend fails to return a single ball and then let you her serve herself - kind of like T-ball)

Basketball:

• Dribbling (either on the ground or in the air)
• Three-pointers (balls hit into the other court that are hit back into play by another Pennis team)
• Chuck's (see attire)

One must not spend more than $29.95 on a tennis racquet, preferably purchased at a large discount chain store (other than at the fascist Walmart). Fresh cans of balls are essential. They are bouncy and day-glo colored - making it much easier to find when you send them flying over the fence. Etiquette dictates that you must take turns buying tennis balls, but bring them every time to be safe.

Appropriate Pennis attire

Generally, one must wear one's regular work out clothes. Bonus points for wearing a terry cloth sweat band over your bushy pony tail with matching wrist bands a la Bjorn Borg (men only) or wearing tie-dyed panties with your tennis dress (women only). Proper footwear includes brightly colored Chuck Taylor's, lawn-mowing sneakers or the 15-year-old Tretorns you found next to your Slazenger woodie.

Pennis wisdom from the ages:

A student seeking to excuse herself from playing tennis is gym class...
Amber : Ms. Stoeger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.

Dionne : Well, there goes your social life. - Amy Heckerling, Clueless

More on balls: FIVE STRAIGHT SATURDAY MORNINGS, Ginnie Mannox had played tennis at the East Side Courts with Selena Graff, a classmate at Miss Basehoar's. Ginnie openly considered Selena the biggest drip at Miss Basehoar's--a school ostensibly abounding with fair-sized drips--but at the same time she had never known anyone like Selena for bringing fresh cans of tennis balls. - J.D. Salinger, Just Before the War with the Eskimos