It's been a while, but things have been wonderful in my post-ashram life. Kevin and I just moved into a beautiful new apartment in a lovely neighborhood. We have a room dedicated to study and yoga. You can't put Baby in the corner to meditate anymore! And no dogs allowed. Do you know how hard it is to do a headstand with a dogs licking your nose?

One of my goals at yoga camp was to figure out what to do professionally. I struggled with becoming a teacher, but Yale did not pan out. I was recruited by lots of companies, but I just couldn't do the corporate thing anymore. So I held out for a job I could feel good about. I'm now the web manager for a wonderful charity - AmeriCares.org. We help get medicines and medical supplies to people in crisis - like in Darfur, India & Haiti. We also help in America like after Katrina and we're helping a project in Appalachia. Part of my interview process was to write an article for the web about the work the organization did in Tamil Nadu  - which is Swami Sivananda's birthplace and where he ministered to people medically and spiritually. That convinced me that I'd found the right place! Seredipity.

Seeing all the tragedy and suffering in the world, especially now that the economy's in the crapper, makes me really nervous. I find myself thinking about karmically what has happened. I can only hope that people become more generous because sharing and giving are the only way for us truly get out of this mess.  

Om!

While dining at Smorsgas Chef in Midtown one sunny Sunday afternoon, I spied a bus covered from head to toe in advertising for a yoga studio. Just like Mary Poppins on Broadway or Macy's. I guess it takes money to make yogis. It is a little disconcerting that yoga has become so commercial, but then I got into yoga because it was at my gym and Madonna and Sting were doing it.  And while not everyone who takes a yoga class seeks spiritual evolution, I can't help but think that more and more people are experiencing greater peace regardless of their intentions. Honestly, a big part of my intention is to look and feel good. That vain, rajasic ego gets me on the mat though. Once I'm there  I can often leave my body behind  and let prana do the practice. And I often still dread looking up during shoulderstand at the jelly belly between my nose and my toes. Om.

I can't seem to manage to do all the things they say you are supposed to do everyday and that's frustrating. I do some Sadhana everyday. Like yesterday, I got to go to kirtan (singing - chanting) at a nearby studio. Today, I am fasting. I gotta mix it up - be consistent and do something everyday!!! I just have to remember that I can't do everything every day unless I'm at an ashram.

More and more, I am committed to doing my freelance business and teaching yoga professionally - unless I find some wonderful job that is in line with my values. And that''s hard to find. I surely won't work for "the man" again, so that leaves me with non-profits and small green and wellness companies.

I am still tan, still unpacking and still a vegetarian. It's easier than I thought. I survivied PMS no problem. This is a miracle. I always thought I "needed" a greasy cheeseburger and french fries to survive, but I hardly even noticed PMS this month! Maybe all that bad food was making my PMS worse instead of helping me? Doing lots of yoga and breathing exercises helps alot too.

I find that now I am in this "real" world - a concept Swami Swaroopananda eschews saying "the real world is inside" - I am much more sensitive to energy of different people and places. You know how there's "gaydar" - it's like I have Sattvic Radar powers. When someone or someplace is really Sattvic, I get a vibration like I'm a divining rod. It works the other way too. LIke I just wanted to runaway from Rudy's the other day when Kevin and I walked past with the dogs. People werre literally following us down the street, asking us to stay and have a beer. What had once been so tempting was absolutely repulsive. I guess my viveka is working on the most gross level, at least.

I am now officially a graduate of the Sivananda Forest Academy of Yoga and Vendanta! The test was grueling and the course was arduous, but I learned so much.

Probably the most important things I learned were that your energetic body does the yoga and that guilt is really self-pity in disguise. Guilt in the short term is a useful emotion in that it can help you intuit the difference between right and wrong. But once you get that message, hanging onto the guilt harms you and doesn't help the person you harmed in the first place. Wow! Total mind shift. Oh - and I learned alot of philosophy, all the yoga poses, and how to be a good teacher. They are very professional.

Our graduation was beautiful. I have been given a spiritual name - RamaPriya. I just love it! It means joy and beloved of Rama.

I was able to keep quiet for much of the day, but then one of the Swamis pointed out to me that mouthing words, charades and having a friend read notes I wrote is not really the point. Oops. I think I'll try that again at a silent retreat. It was very hard with all these people coming up to me - asking - hey what's it like not talking. I'm like - dude - I'm not talking, why are you asking me that. Anyway. I did ok from Satsang to Satsang, but I got sick after night time services and ended up talking to the woman who rescued my from sobbing myself to death in the bathroom.  am much better now after a visit to the Ayurvedic practitioner.

Bell just rang for class. Will write later about Mantra!!

We're into week two of the teacher training (TTC) and people are starting to work out their karma. Some more gracefully than others. I'm trying to manage drama by breathing. I am trying to learn how to do asana with my breath body as oposed to my physical body. I've been a little competitive and over doing it a bit. I have to remember that I'm not 20 and I need to be alot more cautious and mindful in my practice. Like we have a scorpion practice tomorrow, but I'm going to chill out if my arm still doesn't feel good.

We're getting into studying philosophy now. I dig it. Just when you think you have it, it become mercurial and slips away. Some of it can seem contradictory, but if you let it absorb and don't balk at it, I find my mind reconciling it later.

I am pretty stoked for my day off. We're going over to the spa at atlantis for some jacuzzi time and frozen fruit smoothies. Fruit is the big indulgence here. I'm going to do a juice fast in combination with my talking "fast". It's supposed to enhance the depth of the experince.

I weent to a non-violent communication class yesterday. No shanking people there! We did an incredible exercise where we walked around the room and met people in the eye. We'd stand there and each of us would look into our partner's left eye. It was so lovely and moving and meditative. It's a gateway into seeing that we are all one.

My ayurvedic consultation was yesterday. My vatta is pretty wacky. But what areyou gonna do? Well grounding and hot tea seem to be inorder.

Gotta go do home work now.

LOVE!!!

If you've ever met me, you know I talk alot. Way alot. One of my buddies here is doing 2 days of Mauna - which is an ascetic pledge of silence. I'm going to go for it for one day. Anymore than that would be too much. I think that will be harder than the rigorous schedule they have us on. I mean, some people have a monkey mind, but I have an entire jungle in here. Combine that with verbal diarrhea, and you've got a real mess on your hands. Active listening has been a goal of mine and Mauna should be a big help. Maybe it will help my meditation too. If my mouth is silent, maybe my brain will take a hint.

I did a headstand for 3 minutes in class today. This is very exciting for me as that means I get to try to learn some of the fun variations. Asana class is such a relief from all the sitting and we can really let loose and be expressive. I was able to hold it longer in class than I usually can because talked myself into it. I started feeling shaky and I was like - that's just your mind. You are strong enough, you've done this. And I did it!

People are so nice to me here. It's really lovely and I get to sing twice a day.  The other morning after our silent meditation walk on the beach, the leader asked for a volunteer from the course to lead the group in a song. Being a bit of a ham and knowing many of my peers would almost rather die than sing before a group of 100 people, I volunteered.  Luckily, the  song  book has Day by Day in it - which is very short, easy to sing and a crowd pleaser.  It was alot of fun. When I sing now, instead of being self conscous about my voice, I think of the comments my friend Little Pitta and other people made about how moved they have been during services when they heard me sing.

I wonder if I get to sing when I'm on my vow of silence?

I'm also seriously thinking about what's going to be my mantra. That's one of the main reasons I came here. It's so hard, but there's a book by Swami Vishnudevananda about meditation, so I think I'll read that  first. I want a good one and I've been using the lack of an initiated mantra as a crutch to slack off in my meditation. At least my mind is distracted by something other than boys and beer!

Speaking of that, I was in anatomy class and I asked a question about what happens to blood flow when you drink alot - like I thought all your blood might go to the liver or something. Well - now everyone at the yoga retreat thinks I'm a margarita girl. In a cheeky way of course. It's been a week since I've even touched a glass of wine and I feel pretty fantastic despite the lack of sleep. I may have even recovered from my visit to the Owl Cigar Shop.

Om!

I realized today that my life in the ashram, although extremely structured with little down time provides me with more downtime than I had in my regular daily life. Someone cooks for me, cleans my bathroom, wakes me up, schedules all my meetings, makes me take relaxation breaks, and prioritzes time for healthy practces. And I don't have to drive. Not driving is so wonderful. All that stress from moving that machine is gone. No more errands. Even though I'm not laying around on the beach all day, this is probably one of the more relaxing trips I've been on because I don't have to think about anything but what I'm learning. Well, except for one things.

There are several extra roommates in our dorm. They have six legs and long antennae and cause five women to screech and freak out. Not cool. It's not so bad I guess. They actually look like nice clean bugs unlike the filthy ones you see in New York. They will probably get reincarnated as butterflies, That said, the dorm gets super cleaned tomorrow.

Good thing we had our relaxation pose lesson today, otherwise it could have been alot worse. I'm learning alot about the basics and why wee learn the basics. I'm trying to keep as quiet as possible, which for me is still pretty chatty and outgoing. I had to bite my tounge when someone asked about the more esoteric practices and why they can be dangerous, Because you can blow your mind and have a psychotic break if you do all that kundalini stuff without proper supervision. 

Speaking of blowing, I am sitting here with ice on my knee. It will be fine and I have permission to do my meditation in a chair, but it's very disappointing as I've been working on builing up endurance to sit for meditation in the auspicious pose.

Om, babies.

I'm herre! it's wonderful! My luggage lagged behind me a flight or two, but the trip was easy and there were lots of funny people. The immigration lines are very long, so they have local musicians playing. All the kids ran out of line to dance. This one little girl about 4-years-old got up on stage. Super star! So cute!

I took a class on the beach platform this morning and it was like I'd actually taken yoga for the first time. Despite the call of the pillow and went for the morning silent meditation walk on the beach. We had a lovely satsang. I decided to go to the beginner yoga class as I'll be in more advanced classes most of the time. It's one of the best decisions I've made in a long time. I actually relaxed. Instead of me using my force and gross body to fight gravity and force my tense muscles, I closed my eyes and listened to the instructor and relaxed. It's a very different feeling than my usual practice. More like surfing. The sound of the waves and smell of the ocean fed into that analogy a bit.

I love it here and I'm so happy that there are some wonderful people who I had met previously at the Yoga Ranch in New York. LOVE!!!

I'm off tomomorrow morning and I got some really good advice.  Dear friend annd my darling Kevin advised that I'm not going there to get an award for being the cutest girl at the ashram or to be elected president of the graduating class of the Sivananda TTC Bahamas April 2008. I am there to get my head on straight and burn off karma. Other folks are going to be doing the same. I need to stay on track and on message. So a dear friend who's an experienced ashram person came to visit me today. I asked for some parting advice. She said, honey, i'll tell you what my teacher told me. Don't take anything personally - where you are going is a sh*t burning karma furnace so there's gonna be alot of crap flying around. LOL!